I recently stumbled onto the writings of Ambrose Bierce… and was immediately sucked into reading the entirety of his work “The Devil’s Dictionary” — which, evidently, is out of copyright and available on the web… I simply cannot remember the last time I read such a cynical author… or had as much fun with a book.
Here are but a few of my favorite definitions:
ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.
ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.
CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.
DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.
DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy.
ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.
INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman.
INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary quo given in exchange for a substantial quid.
INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.
JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.
KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.
NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker.
OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.
OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession; it meant “own,” and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities.
PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable priority and an honorable subsequence.
PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read.
POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.