I found this to be fascinating and quite funny:
“The question whether things really exist outside of us and as we see them is absolutely meaningless. … The question is almost as absurd as wondering whether blue is really blue, objectively blue”
-Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
I recently stumbled onto the writings of Ambrose Bierce… and was immediately sucked into reading the entirety of his work “The Devil’s Dictionary” — which, evidently, is out of copyright and available on the web… I simply cannot remember the last time I read such a cynical author… or had as much fun with a book.
Here are but a few of my favorite definitions:
ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.
ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy.
CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.
DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.
DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy.
ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.
INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman.
INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary quo given in exchange for a substantial quid.
INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.
JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.
KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.
NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker.
OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.
OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession; it meant “own,” and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities.
PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable priority and an honorable subsequence.
PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read.
POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.
Obama recently spoke with the Los Angeles Times about America’s role in the world. Remaining as vague as possible, Obama outlined what he envisions for his foreign policy agenda:
“I think we’ve got a unique opportunity to reboot America’s image around the world and also in the Muslim world in particular,” Obama said Tuesday, promising an “unrelenting” desire to “create a relationship of mutual respect and partnership in countries and with peoples of goodwill who want their citizens and ours to prosper together.” The world, he said, “is ready for that message.”
I’m not going to lie… I kinda like the computer analogy… but other people were not as impressed:
Sorry, what is that message again? He’s promising an unrelenting desire to create a relationship with peoples of goodwill?
[But] what about peoples of badwill?
What about peoples of goodwill who are ruled by corrupt and oppressive governments? Does Obama believe that peoples who need peoples are the luckiest peoples of all?
…[even so] one thing about his remarks irritates us–to wit, his promise to “reboot America’s image.” How does that work, you just hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete and everything starts over?
keeping the analogy’s going here… Let’s hope [drink] Obama is smart enough to back up Bush’s foreign policy successes before hitting the reboot button. Oh, and a second thing… Obama! might be time to brush up on your fragging skills before Ahmadinejad challenges you to a deathmatch!
feel free to continue the hilarious nerd-conversation in the comments…
Obama ‘house-parties’ seem to be all the rage these days… although I’ve never been to one, I can only imagine how oddly embarrassing it must be to host and/or attend one of these events… meeting with like-minded people to consume an “Obamlet” with “Baraccoli” just doesn’t strike me as a very natural setting… and I’m not entirely sure what kind of appetite I’d have even if I were to subject myself to such an uncomfortable evening.
But just because I’ve never been to one, doesn’t mean I couldn’t develop a pretty decent idea of what one might be like. Here’s a brief snippet of one possible conversation:
Bill: Hey Fred, welcome to my Obama house party!
Fred: O, thanks, Fred. I brought some `Baraccoli` salad [chuckles] and some `husseinsational` brownies for dessert!
Fred: OOO SNAP!
[chuckles all around]..
Bill: [still suppressing some chuckles] Brilliant! I’m sure they will go great with the `Michellefish` sampler Joe brought…
[chuckles all around]..
Fred: Brilliant!
Bill: O, hey Joe!
Joe: Hey, wow, isn’t this great… I mean, why didn’t we think of this before… our wives always have parties for their tupperware or longenberger basket-thingees, I think its about time we threw our own party to celebrate the change that we need for this country..
Bill: Ya, DEFINITELY… we need change, that’s for sure….
Fred: Toootally… for real… I mean, like, if we don’t get any change, than, things will just go on being, like, the same..
Joe: uh, YAAA, that’s what I was saying.
Fred: Totally!
Bill: Ya, Fred, you are SO right.
Joe: well, enough with the deep political chit-chat… Seriously, just thinking about Barack makes me hungry! I can’t wait for the [raises eyebrows and intonation] OBAMAlets!!!
[a round of 'O, snaps!' followed by chuckles all around]..
–END OF CONVERSATION–
Man, ohh man… gag me with a fork… Can you just imagine the left-coast, elitist atmosphere at one of these events? Furthermore, are these ridiculous meet-ups going to have ANY impact on people’s opinions OTHER THAN to make them more quickly associate Obama with Food? This is just a few cards short of a workable campaign idea if you ask me.
this is a great example of why I love reading James Taranto’s “Best of the Web Today”
Euphemizing the Enemy
A New York Times story on Gen. David Petraeus’s proposed promotion to head of Central Command contains this linguistic howler:[Defense Secretary Robert] Gates said he and President Bush settled on General Petraeus for the post because his counterinsurgency experience in Iraq made him best suited to oversee American operations across a region where the United States is engaged in “asymmetric” warfare, a euphemism for battling militants and nonuniformed combatants.
The Times editors apparently can’t tell the difference between jargon (technical language) and euphemism (using an inoffensive term to refer to something disagreeable). Here’s an example:• Plain English: He died.
• Jargon: His metabolic functions ceased.
• Euphemism: He went to a better place.“Asymmetric warfare” is jargon. How funny that the Times misidentifies it as euphemism in the very same sentence in which it employs its own euphemism for the enemy–i.e., “militants and nonuniformed combatants” instead of terrorists.
Back when the first Muhammad cartoon came out… I stumbled across a flickr album cataloging one man’s attempts to support anything Danish in a sign of solidarity. I just stumbled on it again…and it’s about as funny now as it was at the time (perhaps even more so now). Check it out. I think this is hilarious..
Feb. 19, 2006 — Nothing says “I love Denmark” like a fat middle-aged Jew in a Viking Helmet. Also, just found out from an Iranian friend that the thumbs up hand signal has special meaning in the Mid-East. Apparently it is the equivalent of flipping someone the bird. Take that Islamo-Fascists!
Fun reading over at Slate.com
I know this is going to sound strange, but it’s not you, Barack, it’s me. Really it always was me, but now it’s really, really about me. I don’t know when we started to feel weird supporting you, but: My friend Hanna thinks it started with that “Yes We Can,” video. I mean, last week I was totally crying watching it. Now just thinking about how choked up I got gives me the creeps. I think I felt something at the time, but even if I did, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to feel it anymore. Feeling inspired is soooo early-February.
Or maybe it started when everyone began madly posting last week about how you are not the Messiah. And that got me thinking. Then, when commentators started accusing me of being a venomous drone in a “cult of personality,” I just needed to get out. I mean cults are soooo 1970s.